Visitors since 22 JUN 2005

"For this very thing did I sigh, bound as I was, not by another's irons but by my own will.  The enemy had control of my will, and out of it he fashioned a chain and fettered me with it.  For in truth lust is made out of a perverse will, and when lust is served, it becomes habit, and when habit is not resisted, it becomes necessity.  By such links, joined one to another, as it were - for this reason I have called it a chain - a harsh bondage held me fast."

By this point, he had become enamored with becoming Catholic and so he felt the pull of God's grace on his soul so his will began to struggle against his "chains":

"A new will, which had begun within me, to wish freely to worship you and find joy in you, O God, the sole sure delight, was not yet able to overcome that prior will, grown strong with age.  Thus did my two wills, the one old, the other new, the first carnal, and the second spiritual, contend with one another, and by their conflict they laid waste my soul.  Thus I understood from my own experience what I had read, how "the flesh lusts against the spirit, and the spirit against the flesh" (Gal 5:17).  I was in both camps, but I was more in that which I approved within myself than in that other which I disapproved within me.  For now, in the latter, it was not so much myself, since in large part I suffered it against my will rather than did it voluntarily.  Yet it was by me that this habit had been made so warlike against me, since I had come willingly to this point where I now willed not.  Who can rightly argue against it, when just punishment comes upon the sinner?"

This might be the point where you find yourself, my dear friend-struggling against yourself.  Sometimes the spirit wins, and sometimes the flesh wins.  Augustine further describes his struggle as one striving to awaken but still wanting to continue his slumber:

"Thus by the burdens of this world I was sweetly weighed down, just as a man often is in sleep.  Thoughts wherein I meditated upon you were like the efforts of those who want to arouse themselves but, still overcome by deep drowsiness, sink back again.  ...yet a man often defers to shake off sleep when a heavy languor pervades all his members, and although the time to get up has come, he yields to it with pleasure even although it now irks him.  In like manner, I was sure that it was better for me to give myself up to your (he's speaking directly to God) love than to give in to my own desires.  However, although the one way appealed to me and was gaining mastery, the other still afforded me pleasure and kept me victim.  I had no answer to give to you when you said to me, "Rise, you who sleep, and arise from the dead, and Christ will enlighten you" (Eph 5:14).  When on all sides you showed me that your words were true, and I was overcome by your truth, I had no answer whatsoever to make, only those slow and drowsy words, "Right away.  Yes, right away." "Let me be for a little while."  But "Right away-right away" was never right now, and "Let me be for a little while" stretched out for a long time.

We can certainly sense the deep love that Augustine has for Our Lord and he deeply regrets his inability to respond to His grace.  Both you and I must develop an equal love for God if we are to successfully master ourselves.  Finally, the Doctor admits of his own inability to conquer self and what the only source of victory is:

"In vain was I delighted with your law according to the inward man, when another law in my members fought against the law of my mind, and led me captive in the law of sin which was in my members.  For the law of sin is force of habit, whereby the mind is dragged along and held fast, even against its will, but still deservedly so, since it was by its will that it had slipped into the habit.  Unhappy man that I was!  Who would deliver me from body of this death, unless your grace through Jesus Christ our Lord?"

Let us begin the struggle my friend!  Regardless of your addiction, Sexual Addiction, Gambling, Alcoholism, Pornography, or Eating Disorders, let us have confidence that the Good God who made us, wants our success in the struggle.  If we rely upon ourselves, we like Augustine, will fail.  But with sincere acceptance that it is only through God's grace and not our own efforts, we will surely succeed!  Deus vult! (God wills it!).  St. Augustine, pray for us!